Well here it is, the weekend of The Big Game, The Most Important Game Ever That Will Ever Be Played. Of course I’m talking about the showdown between the unbeaten Indianapolis Colts and the more unbeaten New England Patriots. The debate has raged all week over which team will win with statistics and statistics on the statistics tossed around to predict the outcome.

But all of the endless talk is just going in circles. These are the two best teams in football playing at the very top of their form. Both coaches, Bill Belichick and Tony Dungy, are at the top of their profession. Each roster is complete with some of the finest athletes in the NFL, from Peyton Manning and Tom Brady down to the waterboys. (Oh don’t underestimate the value of a great waterboy; in a tight game they can be a difference maker.) We will see on the field come Sunday, unless you live in Houston or Oakland.

One thing is for sure, though, the post-game press conference of the victor will be very different depending on the winner of this game. If Manning and the Colts emerge victorious, I predict coach Dungy’s presser will go something like this:

“Well, they said it would be an exciting game and it sure was. The Patriots are a great team and they played a good game, but our guys fought hard and played all sixty minutes. I’m real proud of those players in the locker room, they deserve all the credit. Now we have to get ready for another tough game next week against San Diego.”

Now if on the other hand, the Patriots come out of this on top, I expect coach Belichick’s comments to be something like this:

“Well, they said it would be a tough game and they were right. The Colts are good team and they played well, BUT WHO’S NUMBER ONE NOW MUTHAFUCKAS! YEAH YOU CAN ALL EAT MY DINGLEBERRIES YOU DOUCHEBAGS, ‘CAUSE I’M THE BADDEST MOFO IN THIS LEAGUE. ROGER GOODELL CAN GO FUCK HIMSELF WITH HIS FINES AND SHIT ‘CAUSE NOTHING AIN’T STOPPING US NOW. JUST HAND OVER THE TROPHY YOU SACK OF SHIT CAUSE IT’S OURS! (flips off cameras) SUCK IT!”

I’m not a big fan of New England or anything, but I sure would like to see that last one on live national TV.

“Just remember, I have chiseled good looks, three Super Bowl rings, and I’m banging Gisele.”

“Just remember, I have chiseled good looks, three Super Bowl rings, and I’m banging some MILF in New Jersey.”

“Which way to bathroom? This way? Are you sure?”

“Take that Malcom Glazer, you old son of a bitch!”

“I don’t know if you looked at my contract, but it’s pretty clear about the fact that I score the winning points in the playoffs.”

“They call me Cato Juuuuuuune!”

“Dude, we’re linemen. What are we doing here with this?”

“Good game.”

“You too.”

“Hate you.”

“Hate you back.”

Who the hell needs another Super Bowl ring when you’ve got a hot model girlfriend?

The celebrity gossip mill is churning once again about New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady and his latest conquest, Victoria Secret model Gisele Bundchen. It seems she was hanging around the locker room after the Pats defeated the Chargers last Sunday, so obviously she must be sacking his little QB, right? (Hey, maybe she’s dating Matt Light, you don’t know.)

Seriously, though, the guy has won three Super Bowls and just ended a long-time relationship with Bridget Moynahan, and now he’s shacking up with Gisele? How ridiculously sweet can one man’s life be?

But even more entertaining is BradyFan86’s tribute to Patriots quarterback Tom Brady set to the tune “Lady” by Kenny Rogers. And by entertaining, I mean homoerotic, borderline-stalker creepy. Best line: “I’m a tight end, but I hope one day to be your wide receiver.”

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ufwukWgKfI[/youtube]

Another football season is about to start and I’m sooo excited. But best of all, diary, I’m getting inducted into the Hall of Fame next week. See, they really like me, so take that, Pat Summerall! And the best part of being in the Hall of Fame is everyone will have to totally kiss my ass. Whenever I feel like it, I can just say, “Shut it, Bob Costas,” or “Bite me, Cris Collinsworth.” That’s going to be totally great. And dumb ‘ol Al Michaels, yeah, he’s totally going to feel the Wrath of John. Maybe I won’t even let him talk at all on our new show. Wouldn’t that be great?

Speaking of the new show, I am so bummed there’s not a single game involving the Green Bay Packers and Captain Favrelous. Those stupid bitches at ESPN get two Favrelicious games, how come I get none? I do get see Big Ben a couple times, which is great, and then Peyton Manning and Tom Brady (xxxooo), but no Brettmeister this year. I sure will miss you, Superfavre. You’ll always be the bestest in the world.

JM

Well, here I am in Baltimore. Mmm, I do like this town. Crab cakes, crab salad, crab sandwiches. Heck, if it crawls around on the bottom of the ocean, you know I’ll eat it. But best of all, I get to watch Brett McFavrelicious in action one more time this season. I feel bad for him, Diary. His team’s not doing well and everyone says he should retire. Not me, though. I say, Flava Favre should just keep on playing. He makes miracles happen on the field. He just goes out and has a good time. He plays the game because its fun. Who would I say that about if he left? Sure, Mister All-American Boy Tom Brady is good eye candy, but he never seems to be having as much fun as the Brettster. Maybe if I heap it on real thick tonight, Baron Von Favrenugen will decide he should stay in the league. And maybe because I’m the one that convinced him, he’ll finally leave that evil Deanna and whisk me away for our private post-season celebration. Oooh! Diary, I better stop now before I get too excited. The game is about to start.

BFF,

Deanna Johnny Favre

You’ll never guess where I am today. I’ll give you a hint: it’s a Farvelous place. Ohh! ++excited to be in Green Bay. I almost took the Madden Cruiser right to BF’s house, but what if he saw me? I’d be so embarrassed. So, I went to Brettmeister’s restaurant (a Hall of Famer and he can cook, too) and ordered Brett’s Cut, a 20oz. rib eye, and a baked potato. Yummy in my tummy! I can’t wait for the game to start.

But, Diary, I’m still torn between Captain Favre and Sweet Tommy Brady. The Brettster is a three-time MVP Super Bowl champion with age and wisdom to offer. But Brady McHunky is cute, young, and has three Super Bowl rings. Think of the adventures we could have. If only I could get them both together and make a Johnny sandwich! Oh, Diary, what will I do?

P.S. I can’t wait to get away from that tool fool AM next year.