In the pantheon of Super Bowl advertising, 2008 will go down as the year of phoning it in. GoDaddy had an ad for an ad that you have to watch on their Web site. Pepsi offered a tribute to a Chris Kattan movie from a decade ago. Coca Cola gave us some weird mushy shit involving Bill Frist and James Carville. This is the best you can do for $3 million a pop?

About the only ads that looked like Super Bowl ads were the FedEx carrier pigeon spot and and the talking stain ad for Tide. Budweiser, though, which normally pulls out all the stops for the football championship, really came up flat this year. Fire breathing? Flying? A Clydesdale in a Rocky tribute? (Not that even the best commercial would ever get me drink your Bud and Bud Light swill.)

The low-light of the evening, though, had to be Sales Genie (whatever the hell that is). Apparently they are trying to get their message across to knuckle draggers who find poorly done ethnic accents to be hilarious. You really can’t go wrong with animated panda bears speaking in broken “Engrish” now can you?

The Pistons shot just 30% from the field and missed a franchise low for points scored by one thanks to a three-pointer by Amir Johnson with 13 seconds remaining. I’m hard pressed to think of anyone having a worse night, though Rudi Giuliani in the New Hampshire primary comes to mind.

To be fair, Detroit was maybe a little tired when they reached the Garden to play the last of four road games, but these guys are supposed to be professional athletes who do all that conditioning stuff, right? Or maybe Flip Saunders lets his team just lay around eating Ding Dongs and Ho-Ho’s during road trips.

The worst part about this, though, is that the Knicks might point to this game as evidence that Isiah Thomas is in fact doing a good job and shouldn’t be fired. Not that James Dolan ever needed reason or logic to justify a fucked up decision.

It has been seven long seasons in the Motor City since Matt Millen took over as team president and general manager, just how long does it take to turn a program around? New Orleans went from worst in the league to the NFC Championship last season, Green Bay is 13-3 after finishing 4-12 two years ago.

Granted, this year’s 7-9 record is the best of the Millen era, but that’s small consolation to the Detroit faithful who have been denied a playoff team since 1999.

Mr. Neckbeard did start 15 games for Chicago in 2005 and inexplicably won 10 of those. (Can you say, “Satan?”) And when the choice is between Brian Greese and a ball-chucking nihilist, what the heck. I guess it can’t get any worse in the Windy City.

The Miami Dolphins, this week, faced perhaps their most winnable game of the season playing at home against the New York Jets. Unfortunately for the Fins faithful, the Jets decided not to improve their draft standing and instead rolled up 40 points on the aqua and teal warriors in Miami’s worst loss of the year.

Forget about the #1 pick in the draft — Miami has all but clinched the first trip to the podium — the Dolphins have grabbed a share in the NFL record book by tying for third the most consecutive games lost at the start of the season. With their 0-12 record, the 2007 Fins squad joins such illustrious company as the 1977 Buccaneers and the 2001 Lions. Congratulations.

And it only gets better.

This week the Dolphins travel to Buffalo with a chance to stand shoulder to shoulder with the 1962 Oakland Raiders and the 1986 Indianapolis Colts. And with the Ravens coming to town the following week, Miami could match the illustrious 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the 1980 New Orleans Saints for an 0-14 season mark. Kinda makes you tingly all over just thinking about it, huh?

Even more impressive, the Dolphins right now have lost 15 consecutive games going back to last season. If Miami falls to the Bills, the Ravens and the unbeatable Patriots the next three weeks, they will join the 1972-73 Houston Oilers as the only team in NFL history to lose 18 straight. I wonder what Dan Pastorini is doing these days?

Such is the case with the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, one of the most God awful expansion franchises in all of sports. Last night they unveiled their new name and team colors: It’s now the Tampa Bay Rays, thank you very much. Yes, the Rays, as in sunlight, as in Sunshine State, as in what the hell does it matter what you call it, the team still hasn’t had a winning season in almost a decade. Shit Sandwich.

First there was the Mighty Ducks switching names to just the Ducks (okay, maybe that wasn’t such a bad move) and then the Anaheim Angels became the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. When will the St. Louis Rams change their name to the New England Patriots of Missouri? If you want fans to stop thinking your team sucks ass, then make your team not suck ass anymore.

Anyway, about 7,000 people turned out in Tampa to celebrate the Rays new name and colors. That’s probably about the same number of fans that will buy tickets next year. Good luck with that new name.

But who will come calling?

Still tied at the top of the podium leaderboard are the winless Rams and Dolphins. Both are coming off the bye so they should be well rested and ready to play hard. Or, well as hard as they can — which isn’t very. St. Louis has a date against the we’ve-got-our-shit-together-now Saints who are looking for their fourth straight win, while Miami hosts the suddenly streaking 4-4 Buffalo Bills. Looks like we’ve got us a tight race for the #1 pick.

But not so fast, say the 1-8 New York Jets. They have a bye this week so there’s no way for them to lose their spot on the charts, and then in two weeks they play the Pittsburgh Steelers. Mangini is totally kicking himself right now for beating Miami back in Week 3.

On the outside looking in, we have the 2-6 Atlanta Falcons, who may have shot themselves in the foot by beating San Francisco last week. Or did the 2-6 49ers take a fall? They too are still in the running and play at Seattle on Monday night.

The Cincinnati Bengals also have just two wins and a shot at the #1 pick. Chad Johnson is banged up and Chris Henry got into trouble his first day back after serving an eight-game suspension; looks like the Bungles are ready to compete.

But you still have to like the Raiders chances here. The reigning champions of the Not Worth A Damn League, Oakland impressed me last week with their loss at home to the Houston Texans. Lane Kiffin has done an outstanding job rebuilding his first year on the job and I’m sure the new head coach next year will thank him for helping stock the roster with another top draft pick.

But more important than who will get picked first is what team will that person have to play for? Which sad sack franchise is going to have to shell out millions in the hope that rookie will spur a playoff run? Here’s your loser leaderboard going into week nine of the season.

The St. Louis Rams and the Miami Dolphins continue to demonstrate their utter lack of talent to the world. In the case of the Fins, we mean that literally after they stunk up Wembley Stadium in London against the Giants last weekend. Both these teams have the bye this Sunday so their place in line to the podium is solid for the next week.

Following close behind are the New York Jets and the Atlanta Falcons. The 1-7 Jets face the Redskins this week, and after having the score run up on them by New England I’m pretty sure Joe Gibbs & Co. will show no mercy on Sunday. The Falcons at 1-6 are coming off the bye and host San Francisco in a game that is blacked out in the Atlanta market. This might an interesting chess match, though, because the 49ers have just two wins and are holding out hope for that sweet first draft pick.

Minnesota and Cincinnati are also at 2-5 going into this week’s games, with the Vikes drawing the Chargers at home (which was nearly blacked out this weekend) and the Bengals traveling to Buffalo. The smart money says Minnesota has the best shot at keeping their spot in the sweepstakes, but don’t underestimate Cincinnati here because the Bills have won two in a row.

My money, though, is still on Oakland to get to the head of the line before anyone else. The Raiders benched Dante Culpepper this week and are going into the game against Houston with Josh McCown. If that isn’t raising the white flag I don’t know what is.

The Miami Dolphins and the St. Louis Rams are both winless and leading the way, but the nod here has to go to the Fins. They just placed quarterback Trent Green on IR and will have to go with Cleo Lemon the rest of the season. They play the undefeated Patriots today and then they travel to London to play the Giants next week. (And isn’t the league thrilled to have the 0-6 Dolphins representin’ in first overseas game?) The biggest threat to Miami getting the #1 pick might be the Jets, who are also in the hunt: When the teams play in Week 13, I wouldn’t put it past New York to throw the game and blemish the Fins record with a win.

The Rams, on the other hand, travel to Seattle today and host the Browns next week, so they too could still be winless at the bye week. But in the second half of the season, St. Louis plays New Orleans, which may or may not have its act together, and they play Atlanta in Week 13. If the Rams aren’t careful they could be picking fourth or fifth in the draft.

Speaking of the Jets and Falcons, both are right in the hunt with just a single win each. The J-E-T-S Jets travel to Cincinnati today where they’re sure to lose and have a pretty tough schedule after that with Pittsburgh, Dallas, and New England all looming after the bye. Miami is a winnable game, but as I’ve already noted, Eric Mangini may want to go to the mat to help his team’s chances for next year.

The Dirty Birds of Atlanta are in New Orleans today where I expect they will get blown out. After the bye week, Atlanta’s schedule includes two games against Tampa and a road trip to Carolina, not to mention a home stand against the Colts. The Falcons could really use a good quarterback next year so they better not screw this up by beating someone like San Francisco.

Also with just a single win are the Bills, Benglas and Rams, but at 1-4 it’s still too early for these teams to throw in the towel. Buffalo looked like a team playing for pride against Dallas so they could still win a few games, and Cincinnati has too much talent to go winless the rest of the year. New Orleans has looked inept enough to go the distance but in the NFC even a 1-4 start doesn’t mean you’re out of the playoff hunt, so they still have something to play for.

There are a bunch of two-win teams with an outside shot at getting the #1 pick, including the Raiders who earned the first pick in the last college draft. (And just look at JaMarcus Russel sitting on the bench and counting his money. Raider Nation must be thrilled.) Could Oakland do it again? You also have like the chances of the 49ers with Trent Dilfer at the helm, though Alex Smith seems to be getting healthy which might screw up everythjing for San Fran.

But among those two-loss teams, you really have to like the chances of the Denver Broncos. They’ve lost three straight and host the Steelers tonight, then they have Green Bay on Monday Night Football. By the time the Broncos get to some teams they have a chance to beat — Detroit, Kansas City, and Oakland — they might be too demoralized to care.

Instead, though, assistant legal aide in training Mike Tirico, without a doubt the worst play-by-play man in the universe, took the opportunity during last night’s Giants-Falcons tilt on Monday Night Football to try and unravel the whole sordid mess. While the game was in progress. Talking over the plays, pausing only a couple times to tell us the down and distance. Note to ESPN: We’re trying to watch a football game, not catch up on Court TV!

Of course that was the least egregious moment of night. Throw in a couple breathless rants on Eli Manning and the New York media from Tony Kornheiser (who’s voice rises to screaming eagle pitch by the end of the night) and whatever the hell Ron Jaworski is saying at any given moment and you had yet another unwatchable MNF game courtesy of the three-headed monster on ESPN.

They should have just let Jimmy Kimmel call the game by himself.