According to reports, all-Canadian beauty Ms. Cuthbert has turned to gal pal Paris Hilton for “comfort” in her time of need. The two were spotted at a party this past week “all over each other and making out.” Afterwards they left the party together and went to the Hilton suite, if you get my drift.

All I can say is when that sex tape hit the Interweb, the whole grid is coming down.

Is this part of a campaign to revive their careers, taking the Paris Hilton route from gossip pages to reality TV show? Please tell me there isn’t a Mary-Kate/Sean Avery sex tape waiting around the corner. Noooo!

This frontal assault on the sports world by the Olsen twins has to stop.

This from the National Post, which quotes the former paramour of Elisha Cuthbert as telling the New York Times Magazine, “I’d like to be an editor of fashion magazine … Creatively and artistically, it is something I’d like to do.”

And what would this magazine be called exactly? Highstick Fashion? Wear This Or I’ll Smash Your Face In? I’d love to see Avery dropping his gloves on Project Runway. “Michael Kors, you wouldn’t know fashion forward if it hit you in the face!”

Seriously, why can’t there be a sex tape with Cuthbert and some other Hollywood hottie, like Jessica Alba or Scarlett Johansson or Willa Ford? Now that would be something to pay for.

No word on who this mysterious purveyor of the sex tape is, but wonders if Avery himself might be behind it. I mean, the guy claims he dumped her because she was cramping his style with the ladies. I wouldn’t put it past him.

Let’s see, you’re a dumb-as-a-box-of-rocks enforcer with looks that only a mother could love, and you made the conscious decision to dump Cuthbert, who’s not only smoking hot but loves — and mean loves — hockey. And that was because why? Oh yes, you’re so sexy you can have your pick of the starlette universe. Right.

Okay Sean, we’ll let you have your little fantasy. But you are either a big fat liar or you really are as dumb as you look.

Actually, it might have more to do with the fact that Avery was spotted recently trying to score a hat trick with Paris Hilton, at least according to OK magazine. Seriously? Dude, you’re about as ugly as ugly comes and you’ve been lucky enough that Ms. Cuthbert hasn’t noticed yet — maybe because she’s still suffering from post-traumatic stress after almost being eaten by that cougar on 24 a few years ago — and you go and try and cheat on her. And then get shot down and in flames. Nice going, numbnuts.

On the bright side, everyone’s favorite bikini-and-fur wearing Canadian is free and on the loose. Whee!

Last night Buffalo was able to squeak out a win against the Rangers. The Rangers outplayed the Sabres for most of the game but as good teams do the Sabres were able to score when needed. The interesting thing about this series is how much attention Sean Avery is getting! Seriously, it’s the most attention he’s had since dating Elisha Cuthbert.
In the other series last night the Vancouver Canucks were able to win in double overtime. The Canucks seemed to out work the Ducks for most of the game but were able to overcome the same fate as the Rangers. The game winning goal was scored by Jeff Cowan, which, you may remember as the guy who scored a goal and had bras thrown onto the ice. Now all we can do is hope that he scores at home and we’ll see some bra throwing!

To celebrate Cowan scoring the game winning goal and the Rangers playing good. Here’s a picture of Elisha Cuthbert.

So with the first round of the playoffs over, we finally get to the good stuff. And you know what else is good stuff? Beer. And equating things to beer is even better stuff, so put on your beer goggles and take a peek at what to expect in the semifinals of the Stanley Cup race.

In the Eastern Conference we have the Sabres matched with the Rangers and Ottawa taking on the Devils. Both these series pit different flavored teams against one another, with lightning offense taking on stout defense. Kind of like a Black and Tan. And just like in a well-poured Black and Tan, I expect the heavy, Guinness-like defense of New York and New Jersey to sink to the bottom against the scoring power of Buffalo and the Sens. It’ll take some time though, so stock that fridge for plenty of overtime games and a big fat Game 7 at the end.

Out in the West the Red Wings will attempt to make it to the conference finals for the first time since 2002 when they take on the Sharks. Now the team from Detroit is kind of like Budweiser in that it’s so big and dominant that it’s hard to think anyone can beat it, yet it doesn’t taste very good. San Jose, on the other hand, is more of an acquired taste, like a fruity microbrew with boysenberries. I don’t understand boysenberry beer or why anyone would drink it, but I really don’t like Bud, so my money is on the Sharks to steal this one in six.

The other Western match-up pits Vancouver against the Ducks of Anaheim. If Detroit is the Budweiser of the NHL, the Canucks are more like the Molsen of the league: Big and well-known, but so often overlooked (in the US, that is) that it might as well be a specialty brew. The Ducks, meanwhile, are like one of those trendy brands that brewers try to sell to people who don’t really like beer, like Michelob Ultra or Zima. Yeah, I’ll take Molsen over Zima any time.

I sure hope all those New Yawk hockey fans send a big sloppy kiss to Dixie and the Southeast division for qualifying such lousy competition. Atlanta, playing in their first post-season, got outscored 17-6, including a 7-0 shutout at the Garden on Tuesday night.

I bet Garry Bettman is breathing a little easier now; he at least has one big market still represented in the playoffs. Now if he can only find a way to keep Dallas in there a little longer.