No LT meant no win for San Diego yesterday in the AFC Championship against the New England Patriots. Four times the Bolts got into position to reach the promised land but four times they had to send Nate Kaeding out for a field goal attempt. Even with Tom Brady looking very un-Bradyesque with three interceptions, you won’t win many games that way.

Credit the Chargers defense for keeping them in the game, though. In addition to the three picks, they forced the Pats to punt four times and held them to just 14 points in the first half. Too bad the offense never capitalized on it. (Is Norv Turner an offensive guru or defensive? I forget.)

So the Patriots continue their methodical, ceaseless march towards perfection with one game left to be played in Glendale, AZ. A rematch against the Giants, who nearly played them to a stalemate in the regular-season finale. I’m sure we won;t have to endure much hype over this one the next two weeks.

Gentlemen, let’s begin with the AFC where the San Diego Chargers travel to face the unbeaten New England Patriots. Who will win?

Potted Plant: While it might make for some dramatic television to see the upset of the century, I’m afraid the Bolts are too overmatched in this game. Look for the score to remain close in the first half, but then Tom Brady will take over the game and the Pats will roll to a 30-17 victory.

Sean Salisbury: ME SEAN SALISBURY AND ME TALK LOUD! ME TALK LOUDER THAN PLANT! PLANT IS DUMB! PLANT NO PLAY IN FOOTBALL LEAGUE! ME PLAY QUARTERBACK! ME BEST KNOW FOOTBALL, NOT PLANT! PLANT IS STUPID!

Um, alright then, how about we move on to the NFC where we have the New York Giants playing on the road against the Green Bay Packers. Which team do you see advancing to the Super Bowl?

Potted Plant: The Giants are playing some of their best football of the season, giving their fans a lot of hope for a conference title, but the Packers have too much firepower on offense and a pretty good defense to boot. Should be a great game up at Lambeau Field, but Green Bay gets the win by 10 points.

Sean Salisbury: DUMB PLANT! YOU NO HAVE BRAIN! ME SEAN SALISBURY, NFL QUARTERBACK, ME KNOW FOOTBALL! PLANT IS GREEN AND STUPID! HAHAHA! ME HATE PLANT!

Well that about wraps it up. Thank you both for your insight and enlightenment.

No one gave much of a chance to the San Diego Chargers on the road against the defending Super Bowl champion Colts, but two tipped balls turned into interceptions that killed deep scoring drives and suddenly Indianapolis was in a dogfight late in the game. Still, you’d think Indy could overcome a team that had its best running back on the sideline, a team being helmed by Billy Volek after Philip Rivers left with a knee injury.

Such was not the case. Volek, who’s last meaningful playing time came in 2005 for the Tennessee Titans, led an 87-yard, eight-play drive that ended with a quarterback sneak from the one-yard line to put the Bolts in front 28-24 with almost five minutes to play. The Colts mounted a comeback for the win but was stymied twice on downs.

But fear not because there is a Manning advancing to the conference championships, and his name is Eli. (I fully expected during the post-game interviews that he would look directly into the camera and say something like, “I won and Peyton lost. Can you love me now, dad?”) The New York Giants survived a close game in Dallas to upend the Cowboys 21-17, advancing to the NFC Championship for the first time since the 2000 season.

But enough about the winners, what about the losers?

Tony Romo: Loser with a hot girl friend.
Terrell Owens: Crybaby loser.
Wade Phillips: Fat Overweight Rotund Husky loser.
Jerry Jones: Creepy, ghost-face loser.
Cowboy Nation thought for sure this was the year, but the ‘Boys have been sucking wind the past month, so is it a huge surprise they came up short against the Giants? Okay, may a little surprising, but me thinks that Fatty may have been out-coached a bit. When it became clear the offensive line was gassed in the fourth quarter, they were still sending Owens on deep routes, forcing Romo to look for Patrick Crayton and his three-way partner Jason Witten. The middle of the field was open and New York had their practice squad defending in man coverage, you’d think the Cowboys could have scored more than three second-half points.

No matter what, though, you can’t blame this one on Jess; she wasn’t there (at least on camera).

Three cheers also to Norv Turner for doing what Marty Schottenheimer never could do: win a playoff game. The Chargers looked to be heading for yet another post-season defeat, trailing much of their game against the Tennessee Titans, but then Philip Rivers — who’s still a little bitch in my book — finally started to turn things on, finding Vincent Jackson for a 25-yard touchdown in the third quarter. LT rushed for only 42 yards, but his dive across the goal line in the final period put the game away for San Diego.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ma5LAUHTQUA

By my estimation, Philip Rivers has had as much to do with the Chargers early struggles as he has with their success this season. He’s thrown a career high 15 interceptions and has been on a short leash passing downfield ever since Norv Turner discovered he has a couple decent backs in LaDainian Tomlinson and Darren Sproles. So I’m not so sure his ass can really cash whatever checks he was writing by taunting Jay Cutler during Monday night’s game between San Diego and Denver.

“Kickers?” Schottenheimer retorted to a reporter’s question after the game. “I fucking hate ‘em. They’re all worthless pieces of shit. I wouldn’t trust a kicker farther than I could throw one.”

The San Diego coach’s comments came just moments after Nate Kaeding missed a 54-yard field goal attempt with two seconds remaining that would have sent the game into overtime. Kaeding also missed a 40-yard attempt in overtime that would have sealed a Chargers win over the New York Jets in the 2004 playoffs, the last time San Diego was in the post-season.

After ranting about kickers for a good five minutes, Schottenheimer was seen brandishing a knife and chasing Kaeding around the team’s locker room, and had to be subdued by teammates and coaches. “I’ll fucking kill you, you damn kicker!” the 63-year-old coach reportedly screamed.