(Awesome Tecmo Bowl graphic stolen from Joystiq)

When it comes to predicting such a huge game such as the Super Bowl, I think there’s really only one way to predict with accuracy which team will win: turtles strapped to rockets. Luckily Conan O’Brien thinks the way I do and they held a turtle race on the show last night. Spoiler alert: the New York Giants turtle wins.

No, seriously, he will.

Castrating a lamb with your teeth is a pretty simple procedure, really. Grey Ruegamer knows. “You grab the forelegs and pin them to the ground, and then you grab the back legs and throw them on their back,” Ruegamer said. And when the, uh, target area is exposed, “away you go. It’s the way the Basques do it.”

Ruegamer, a former Arizona State All-American who will return for Super Bowl XLII with the New York Giants, became a practitioner when a family friend, who is Basque, asked for extra help on her working sheep and cattle ranch outside Las Vegas, Nev., where Ruegamer grew up.

As for the procedure itself, “you pull them out with your teeth, spit them in a bucket, next one.

“There was other work that had to get done, so we had to hurry with that and move onto the next thing. It’s just a little lamb. It’s not a big animal. I have pictures.

“The blood on your mustache is the worst part.”

So what’s the best part, Grey? Satisfaction of a job well done? Praise of Luddites and Basques everywhere for kickin’ it old school castration style?

In a 23-20 overtime loss, Brett Favre threw two interceptions, including a game-killer in overtime. The running game, so good against the Seahawks last week, averaged about two-yards a carry — and there weren’t many of those. The secondary got burned by Plaxico Burress, who finished with 11 catches for 154 yards. Maybe the 14-3 Packers were just a mirage.

Or maybe the New York Giants are just that good. It’s hard to argue with success, and after beating Tampa Bay in the Wild Card round, the G-Men have knocked off the top two teams in the NFC to advance to the Super Bowl. Eli Manning has yet to throw an interception this post-season, the running game has been bruising, and the defense, including the much maligned secondary, has been punishing.

Can the Giants bring home an NFL title? Thankfully with the New York media we won’t be short of analysis and speculation over the next two weeks.

Gentlemen, let’s begin with the AFC where the San Diego Chargers travel to face the unbeaten New England Patriots. Who will win?

Potted Plant: While it might make for some dramatic television to see the upset of the century, I’m afraid the Bolts are too overmatched in this game. Look for the score to remain close in the first half, but then Tom Brady will take over the game and the Pats will roll to a 30-17 victory.

Sean Salisbury: ME SEAN SALISBURY AND ME TALK LOUD! ME TALK LOUDER THAN PLANT! PLANT IS DUMB! PLANT NO PLAY IN FOOTBALL LEAGUE! ME PLAY QUARTERBACK! ME BEST KNOW FOOTBALL, NOT PLANT! PLANT IS STUPID!

Um, alright then, how about we move on to the NFC where we have the New York Giants playing on the road against the Green Bay Packers. Which team do you see advancing to the Super Bowl?

Potted Plant: The Giants are playing some of their best football of the season, giving their fans a lot of hope for a conference title, but the Packers have too much firepower on offense and a pretty good defense to boot. Should be a great game up at Lambeau Field, but Green Bay gets the win by 10 points.

Sean Salisbury: DUMB PLANT! YOU NO HAVE BRAIN! ME SEAN SALISBURY, NFL QUARTERBACK, ME KNOW FOOTBALL! PLANT IS GREEN AND STUPID! HAHAHA! ME HATE PLANT!

Well that about wraps it up. Thank you both for your insight and enlightenment.

No one gave much of a chance to the San Diego Chargers on the road against the defending Super Bowl champion Colts, but two tipped balls turned into interceptions that killed deep scoring drives and suddenly Indianapolis was in a dogfight late in the game. Still, you’d think Indy could overcome a team that had its best running back on the sideline, a team being helmed by Billy Volek after Philip Rivers left with a knee injury.

Such was not the case. Volek, who’s last meaningful playing time came in 2005 for the Tennessee Titans, led an 87-yard, eight-play drive that ended with a quarterback sneak from the one-yard line to put the Bolts in front 28-24 with almost five minutes to play. The Colts mounted a comeback for the win but was stymied twice on downs.

But fear not because there is a Manning advancing to the conference championships, and his name is Eli. (I fully expected during the post-game interviews that he would look directly into the camera and say something like, “I won and Peyton lost. Can you love me now, dad?”) The New York Giants survived a close game in Dallas to upend the Cowboys 21-17, advancing to the NFC Championship for the first time since the 2000 season.

But enough about the winners, what about the losers?

Tony Romo: Loser with a hot girl friend.
Terrell Owens: Crybaby loser.
Wade Phillips: Fat Overweight Rotund Husky loser.
Jerry Jones: Creepy, ghost-face loser.
Cowboy Nation thought for sure this was the year, but the ‘Boys have been sucking wind the past month, so is it a huge surprise they came up short against the Giants? Okay, may a little surprising, but me thinks that Fatty may have been out-coached a bit. When it became clear the offensive line was gassed in the fourth quarter, they were still sending Owens on deep routes, forcing Romo to look for Patrick Crayton and his three-way partner Jason Witten. The middle of the field was open and New York had their practice squad defending in man coverage, you’d think the Cowboys could have scored more than three second-half points.

No matter what, though, you can’t blame this one on Jess; she wasn’t there (at least on camera).

“You guys love to say, `Oh, he is coming off the beach and he is dating Jessica Simpson’ … please!” Strahan said during a news conference yesterday after the Giants practised for Sunday’s game against the Cowboys in the NFC semifinal.

“Heck, if Jessica Simpson wanted to date me, I may give her a shot,” the recently divorced Strahan said.

Brilliant!

So maybe after the season is finally over, Tony and Jessica can go one better than their Mexican three way with Jason Whitten. And I can’t wait for that sex tape to hit the Interwebs.

Three cheers also to Norv Turner for doing what Marty Schottenheimer never could do: win a playoff game. The Chargers looked to be heading for yet another post-season defeat, trailing much of their game against the Tennessee Titans, but then Philip Rivers — who’s still a little bitch in my book — finally started to turn things on, finding Vincent Jackson for a 25-yard touchdown in the third quarter. LT rushed for only 42 yards, but his dive across the goal line in the final period put the game away for San Diego.

At the end of November it looked like the issue might come to head when the Packers traveled to Dallas for a meeting between the two best teams in the NFC. The much-anticipated game that would go mostly unseen in the state capitals of Madison and San Antonio could have provided a flashpoint for action and led to some sort of compromise. But neither side blinked. Instead the only winners were the nation’s tavern owners who reaped millions from fans pouring out into the night to get their fill of suds and Thurday night football.

This week another opportunity for resolution rears its ugly head as the NFL Network prepares to show its final game of the season between the New England Patriots and the New York Giants. What would otherwise be a meaningless game has been rendered historic because the Pats could become the first team ever to win all 16 of the regular season games. Without a compromise solution between Big Cable and the NFL, a nation of football fans will miss seeing the moment New England achieves this feat. The news will be relayed only by the sports channels and internet sites but hardly anyone will be able to say they saw it happen live.

A pox on both your houses.

UPDATE: Whatevs.

Of course, we watched most of the game between the Giants and Vikings and Eli Manning’s performance had pretty much the same effect on us. Which of course gave us an idea. So here now is the latest oddsnark original, a tribute to Eli’s four interception game at the Meadowlands against Minnesota.