(Awesome Tecmo Bowl graphic stolen from Joystiq)

When it comes to predicting such a huge game such as the Super Bowl, I think there’s really only one way to predict with accuracy which team will win: turtles strapped to rockets. Luckily Conan O’Brien thinks the way I do and they held a turtle race on the show last night. Spoiler alert: the New York Giants turtle wins.

No LT meant no win for San Diego yesterday in the AFC Championship against the New England Patriots. Four times the Bolts got into position to reach the promised land but four times they had to send Nate Kaeding out for a field goal attempt. Even with Tom Brady looking very un-Bradyesque with three interceptions, you won’t win many games that way.

Credit the Chargers defense for keeping them in the game, though. In addition to the three picks, they forced the Pats to punt four times and held them to just 14 points in the first half. Too bad the offense never capitalized on it. (Is Norv Turner an offensive guru or defensive? I forget.)

So the Patriots continue their methodical, ceaseless march towards perfection with one game left to be played in Glendale, AZ. A rematch against the Giants, who nearly played them to a stalemate in the regular-season finale. I’m sure we won;t have to endure much hype over this one the next two weeks.

Gentlemen, let’s begin with the AFC where the San Diego Chargers travel to face the unbeaten New England Patriots. Who will win?

Potted Plant: While it might make for some dramatic television to see the upset of the century, I’m afraid the Bolts are too overmatched in this game. Look for the score to remain close in the first half, but then Tom Brady will take over the game and the Pats will roll to a 30-17 victory.

Sean Salisbury: ME SEAN SALISBURY AND ME TALK LOUD! ME TALK LOUDER THAN PLANT! PLANT IS DUMB! PLANT NO PLAY IN FOOTBALL LEAGUE! ME PLAY QUARTERBACK! ME BEST KNOW FOOTBALL, NOT PLANT! PLANT IS STUPID!

Um, alright then, how about we move on to the NFC where we have the New York Giants playing on the road against the Green Bay Packers. Which team do you see advancing to the Super Bowl?

Potted Plant: The Giants are playing some of their best football of the season, giving their fans a lot of hope for a conference title, but the Packers have too much firepower on offense and a pretty good defense to boot. Should be a great game up at Lambeau Field, but Green Bay gets the win by 10 points.

Sean Salisbury: DUMB PLANT! YOU NO HAVE BRAIN! ME SEAN SALISBURY, NFL QUARTERBACK, ME KNOW FOOTBALL! PLANT IS GREEN AND STUPID! HAHAHA! ME HATE PLANT!

Well that about wraps it up. Thank you both for your insight and enlightenment.

Mike Holmgren can’t very well blame the weather for his Seahawks getting blown out by the Packers 42-20. Heck, they spotted Seattle two touchdowns in the first four minutes off turnovers, but it didn’t matter once Green Bay got going. Where was that vaunted defense we heard so much about last week? Oh that’s right, they were playing the Washington Redskins then.

There wasn’t any snow in the air at Gillette Stadium last night but everyone expected the Patriots to bury the Jaguars under a blizzard of points. Surprisingly, Jacksonville played a very good first half and stayed right with New England, thanks in part to kicker Stephen Gostkowski who missed a 35-yard field goal.

Unfortunately for the teal and black crowd, the Jags had to come out and play the second half and that’s where the Pats really took off, outscoring the Jags 21-6. So much for the upset of the century, I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to see if someone can stop that New England juggernaut from reaching the Super Bowl.

At the end of November it looked like the issue might come to head when the Packers traveled to Dallas for a meeting between the two best teams in the NFC. The much-anticipated game that would go mostly unseen in the state capitals of Madison and San Antonio could have provided a flashpoint for action and led to some sort of compromise. But neither side blinked. Instead the only winners were the nation’s tavern owners who reaped millions from fans pouring out into the night to get their fill of suds and Thurday night football.

This week another opportunity for resolution rears its ugly head as the NFL Network prepares to show its final game of the season between the New England Patriots and the New York Giants. What would otherwise be a meaningless game has been rendered historic because the Pats could become the first team ever to win all 16 of the regular season games. Without a compromise solution between Big Cable and the NFL, a nation of football fans will miss seeing the moment New England achieves this feat. The news will be relayed only by the sports channels and internet sites but hardly anyone will be able to say they saw it happen live.

A pox on both your houses.

UPDATE: Whatevs.

But all of the endless talk is just going in circles. These are the two best teams in football playing at the very top of their form. Both coaches, Bill Belichick and Tony Dungy, are at the top of their profession. Each roster is complete with some of the finest athletes in the NFL, from Peyton Manning and Tom Brady down to the waterboys. (Oh don’t underestimate the value of a great waterboy; in a tight game they can be a difference maker.) We will see on the field come Sunday, unless you live in Houston or Oakland.

One thing is for sure, though, the post-game press conference of the victor will be very different depending on the winner of this game. If Manning and the Colts emerge victorious, I predict coach Dungy’s presser will go something like this:

“Well, they said it would be an exciting game and it sure was. The Patriots are a great team and they played a good game, but our guys fought hard and played all sixty minutes. I’m real proud of those players in the locker room, they deserve all the credit. Now we have to get ready for another tough game next week against San Diego.”

Now if on the other hand, the Patriots come out of this on top, I expect coach Belichick’s comments to be something like this:

“Well, they said it would be a tough game and they were right. The Colts are good team and they played well, BUT WHO’S NUMBER ONE NOW MUTHAFUCKAS! YEAH YOU CAN ALL EAT MY DINGLEBERRIES YOU DOUCHEBAGS, ‘CAUSE I’M THE BADDEST MOFO IN THIS LEAGUE. ROGER GOODELL CAN GO FUCK HIMSELF WITH HIS FINES AND SHIT ‘CAUSE NOTHING AIN’T STOPPING US NOW. JUST HAND OVER THE TROPHY YOU SACK OF SHIT CAUSE IT’S OURS! (flips off cameras) SUCK IT!”

I’m not a big fan of New England or anything, but I sure would like to see that last one on live national TV.

Town Tattler and noted coffee addict and Starbucks shill Peter King is reporting today the league will soon announce the cancellation of the exhibition game between the New England Patriots and the Seattle Seahawks that was planned for this Fall. According to Mr. Coffee Nerd, the NFL wants to devote all of its attention on the its other international conquest, a regular season game between the Giants and Dolphins planned for 2008. Apparently Roger Goodell has been studying his history and realized the danger of trying to fight a war on two fronts simultaneously. (As sad as it is, yes, a professional sports league is demonstrating better military strategy than our own government.)

But could this be true? Is the mighty NFL admitting it may have made a mistake in announcing this ambitious plan just last year? Could Goodell be suggesting there are limits to what the NFL can do and how far and how fast it can expand? (Someone alert Gary Bettman . . . please.) I think the last time the league backed down from a challenge, Pete Rozell gave in and agreed to merge with the AFL, and we know how that deal worked out. Now the original NFL, residing in the NFC, is just a motley bunch of wannabes and alsorans that can’t tie their shoelaces while the media darlings of the AFL/AFC bask in the glory of Super Bowl titles.

So I’m a little disappointed in the league backing down from its commitment to help fight world communism. Battling against liberal socialism in Europe is fine and all but not nearly as important as stamping out communism and transforming the world’s largest economy into a capitalist society. Because you know once those Chi-Coms get a taste of NFL action they’ll want more. They’ll want their own professional football league with their own selfish, multi-millionaire players and greedier billionaire owners. You think communism can survive in that environment? Not likely mate.