Unfortunately for Caldwell, though, Dungy decided today not to retire.

“I love this franchise. I love my family. My decision after my 10th year was, ‘Can I give my family and the franchise the energy and passion that they both deserve,’ Dungy said. “I look at this job as a job but I also look at it as a ministry.

“I’m happy to be back,” said Dungy, calling today’s announcement a “mutual decision” between him and his wife. “My whole family’s happy and hopefully our team and everyone here is happy.”

Reading between the lines: Peyton has another playoff run in him and sooner or later those Patriots are gonna lose.

At the start of the fourth quarter during the Colts-Chargers divisional playoff game, CBS introduced the winners of the regional Punt, Pass & Kick competition. Most of the kids draw some polite applause from the few fans paying attention, but when they got to a teenage girl wearing her Pats jersey, the Hoosiers at the RCA Dome turned ugly and booed the poor kid.

Luckily, she seemed to take it in stride and chucked. I’m sure she gets the same reaction anywhere outside the Northeast.

No one gave much of a chance to the San Diego Chargers on the road against the defending Super Bowl champion Colts, but two tipped balls turned into interceptions that killed deep scoring drives and suddenly Indianapolis was in a dogfight late in the game. Still, you’d think Indy could overcome a team that had its best running back on the sideline, a team being helmed by Billy Volek after Philip Rivers left with a knee injury.

Such was not the case. Volek, who’s last meaningful playing time came in 2005 for the Tennessee Titans, led an 87-yard, eight-play drive that ended with a quarterback sneak from the one-yard line to put the Bolts in front 28-24 with almost five minutes to play. The Colts mounted a comeback for the win but was stymied twice on downs.

But fear not because there is a Manning advancing to the conference championships, and his name is Eli. (I fully expected during the post-game interviews that he would look directly into the camera and say something like, “I won and Peyton lost. Can you love me now, dad?”) The New York Giants survived a close game in Dallas to upend the Cowboys 21-17, advancing to the NFC Championship for the first time since the 2000 season.

But enough about the winners, what about the losers?

Tony Romo: Loser with a hot girl friend.
Terrell Owens: Crybaby loser.
Wade Phillips: Fat Overweight Rotund Husky loser.
Jerry Jones: Creepy, ghost-face loser.
Cowboy Nation thought for sure this was the year, but the ‘Boys have been sucking wind the past month, so is it a huge surprise they came up short against the Giants? Okay, may a little surprising, but me thinks that Fatty may have been out-coached a bit. When it became clear the offensive line was gassed in the fourth quarter, they were still sending Owens on deep routes, forcing Romo to look for Patrick Crayton and his three-way partner Jason Witten. The middle of the field was open and New York had their practice squad defending in man coverage, you’d think the Cowboys could have scored more than three second-half points.

No matter what, though, you can’t blame this one on Jess; she wasn’t there (at least on camera).

But all of the endless talk is just going in circles. These are the two best teams in football playing at the very top of their form. Both coaches, Bill Belichick and Tony Dungy, are at the top of their profession. Each roster is complete with some of the finest athletes in the NFL, from Peyton Manning and Tom Brady down to the waterboys. (Oh don’t underestimate the value of a great waterboy; in a tight game they can be a difference maker.) We will see on the field come Sunday, unless you live in Houston or Oakland.

One thing is for sure, though, the post-game press conference of the victor will be very different depending on the winner of this game. If Manning and the Colts emerge victorious, I predict coach Dungy’s presser will go something like this:

“Well, they said it would be an exciting game and it sure was. The Patriots are a great team and they played a good game, but our guys fought hard and played all sixty minutes. I’m real proud of those players in the locker room, they deserve all the credit. Now we have to get ready for another tough game next week against San Diego.”

Now if on the other hand, the Patriots come out of this on top, I expect coach Belichick’s comments to be something like this:

“Well, they said it would be a tough game and they were right. The Colts are good team and they played well, BUT WHO’S NUMBER ONE NOW MUTHAFUCKAS! YEAH YOU CAN ALL EAT MY DINGLEBERRIES YOU DOUCHEBAGS, ‘CAUSE I’M THE BADDEST MOFO IN THIS LEAGUE. ROGER GOODELL CAN GO FUCK HIMSELF WITH HIS FINES AND SHIT ‘CAUSE NOTHING AIN’T STOPPING US NOW. JUST HAND OVER THE TROPHY YOU SACK OF SHIT CAUSE IT’S OURS! (flips off cameras) SUCK IT!”

I’m not a big fan of New England or anything, but I sure would like to see that last one on live national TV.

Why isn’t the commissioner of the More Taste League some smokin’ hot chick instead of that guy from Scrubs?

Why is Tony Kornheiser trying to convince me that Peyton Manning gets no respect? Has he not noticed the twenty-five gazillion commercials featuring the Colts quarterback?

Why Carrie Underwood? Why?

Why does Ron Jaworski think that Jacksonville can’t run the ball on every down? Why, I think the Jags just scored a touchdown after 10 consecutive running plays. Why doesn’t Jaws just shut the hell up?

Why does anyone let Mike Tirico anywhere near a broadcast booth?

Why the hell are we talking to Russell Crowe now? Do they really expect us to care about rugby? And what the hell is is a Rabbitoh?

Why God, why did I ever take the Jaguars to cover?

Why did it take so long for the “conversation” in the booth to devolve into Patriots vs. Colts, Brady vs. Manning? Did they really think the Jags might come roaring back early in the fourth quarter with Quinn Gray under center? And what if it had actually turned into a real game? We might never have heard that scintillating “debate.”

Why don’t I watch Monday Night Football with the sound on mute like Peyton Manning?

In case you somehow managed to miss all the excitement, here’s a quick recap of the 2007 regular season opening game:

The sketch below was one of my favorites.

Before the Super Bowl (where the Bears were thumped soundly by the Colts) Wiese apparently signed a pledge in front of a bar full of people that if the Bears lost, he would change his name to match the Colts player who led Indy to victory.

“I had told the judge that I was not doing this because I wanted to change my name, but I was doing it because I was honoring a bet,” Wiese told the Decatur Herald & Review after Monday’s ruling. “I think she understood that.”

So need to feel sorry for poor Scott. It could have potentially been worse, though, if any of the following Colts had had a huge Super Bowl:

Devin Aromashodu

Albert Bimper

Tanard Davis

DeDe Dorsey

Ah, congratulations to the Baby Horses, for prevailing over a team with the equivalent of a high-school junior varsity starting quarterback. Not the most awesomest display of prowess, from either team, on either side of the ball, but at least we can put the whole Peyton Manning is a Big Fat Choker angle to rest now, and find something else equally pointless and ridiculous to chatter incessantly about.

Maybe it was my fault for dozing off, but it seemed like, yet again, there were a decided lack of those awesome Super Bowl commercials that we hear so much about, that millions of non-football fans tune in to see, because it is the Super Bowl and since ancient times it was deemed that the most awesomest commercials in the history of awesome commercials are aired then.

All I can remember of late, though, is everyone complaining afterwards that the commercials, in fact, suck big ones. Come to think of it, it seems like that’s been the case for many a year, causing me to wonder where exactly this notion of awesome commercials came from, if the reality is the sucking of big ones, year after year after year.

Mass hypnosis? A plot by the monkey robot overlords to lull us into a false sense of security right before they spring their dastardly trap? Hmm…