Municipal Court Judge Bernie Bouchard set bond at $51,000 on charges of misdemeanor assault and criminal damaging. Noting Henry’s previous arrests involving drugs, guns and alcohol, the judge called Henry “a one-man crime wave.” He ordered electronic monitoring if Henry makes bail.

Henry has had a string of problems with police. He was in court last week after being ticketed for driving with expired Kentucky license plates. He paid $149 in fines and court costs, according to the Municipal Court records. He was ticketed a year ago for driving with a suspended license.

Henry was arrested four times between December 2005 and June 2006. He was accused of possession of marijuana in northern Kentucky, carrying a concealed weapon in Florida, drunken driving in Ohio and providing alcohol to minors in northern Kentucky. In that case, he served two days in jail in 2006 after pleading guilty to a charge of letting minors drink alcohol in a hotel room he had rented.

That’ll be sweet, as far as tracking Chris electronically to see when the “one-man crime wave” will strike again.

“Oooh look, he’s getting close to some strip clubs…oh wait, crap, he’s just dropping off his dry cleaning. Hellooooo, he’s getting close to a school…shit, he drove right by.”

Oh, well obviously Jim Zorn would get the job, I mean heck he was at the top of everyone’s short list, right? Or to put it another way, “Whattheheyhowho!?”

To his credit, the former Seahawks quarterbacks coach survived perhaps the most rigorous interviewing process ever seen in the National Football League — or maybe any sports league — so he must have something going on. Snyder spoke to like 1,000 different candidates in a casting call that rivaled American Idol in its size and scope.

But is Zorn the marquee name to continue the legacy of Joe Gibbs? What about Jim Fassel or Steve Mariucci, guys with a track record we could tear apart and analyze, poke holes in and ridicule. Zorn? It doesn’t seem like the sort of thing Snyder would do. It seems too . . . reasonable is the word I’m looking for.

This is a disturbing development. What fun is it going to be if Dan Snyder starts running the Redskins like a professional football franchise instead of a real-life fantasy team? Hopefully he trades all his first-day draft picks to the Cardinals for Matt Leinart.

1. Say “hello” to your significant other — It’s been a long season of football and we’re betting you’ve been pretty much a stranger these last 20 or so Sundays, so maybe tomorrow would be a good time to reconnect. Maybe wake up early and fix breakfast, suggest you take a trip to a museum or just spend some quiet quality time with him or her on the couch by the fire.
2. Fix that damn door in the garage — Weekend fix-it projects probably took a backseat during the football season, so you probably have a bunch of things you can do around the house. When was the last time you changed the furnace filters?
3. Search the Internet for pictures of Debbie Clemens — Brian McNamee not only claims to have injected pitcher Roger Clemens with steroids but now he says he gave HGH to The Rocket’s wife, Debbie. She does look pretty fit. Maybe you can find pictres of her on the Interweb.
4. Learn to play guitar — No we’re not talking about Guitar Hero, a real guitar. You kn ow you’ve been saying it for years now, so go out and get yourself a cheap guitar and sit down to practice. There’s a lot of time between now and training camp, you might even learn a song or two.
5. Get ready for the Iditarod — You know deep down you’re excited for the start of the Last Great Race, so get yourself ready by reading our expanding preview coverage of the Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race.
6. Get your damn taxes done — It’s that time of year again, and you don’t want to wait until the last minute like last year, so just do already, okay?
7. Take in a cock fight — Hey, if it’s good enough for Pedro Martinez and Juan Marichal, maybe you’d enjoy it too. (On second thought, maybe this is bad idea.)
8. Get your draft board together — Sure, you’re just a schmo who can barely manage your household budget let alone a professional football team, but at this stage of the game you have just as much chance of being right as that guy on ESPN with an oil-slick in his hair.
9. Sleep — Hey, sleeping’s good too.

What’s worse is Wilson’s partners in this little venture, Ted Rogers and Larry Tanenbaum, are not hiding the fact this is just a first step to buying an NFL franchise — probably the Bills — and moving it to Toronto permanently. What a pack of vultures. (They have vultures in Canada, right?)

Now it’s clear that Canadians like their football just as much as we do, but they already have a football team in Toronto. They’re called the Argonauts. They play in a professional league. It’s called the Canadian Football League. Toronto. Canada. CFL. It all goes together, see.

It’s bad enough Canadians dominate the sketch comedy business in this country and take jobs away from decent, hard working Hollywood actors, but now they’re muscling in on our national sport?

Someone alert Ron Paul.

The Seattle Seahawks plan to announce today their succession plan for when coach Mike Holmgren leave after the 2008 season, and those plans involve former Atlanta Falcons coach Jim Mora.

Mora, if you’ll remember, coached the Falcons for four seasons, taking the team to the NFC Championship game against Philadelphia in 2004. It was all downhill from there, though, and in 2007 he famously said in a radio interview he’d take the head coaching position at the University of Washington. Falcons owner Arthur Blank didn’t care too much for that and fired Mora at the end of the season. (This would of course set the stage for Blank to be betrayed again by Bobby Petrino.)

Well, at least Mora landed close to his dream job.

I mean just because Vick is spending the next 23 months in federal prison for running a dog fighting operation and can’t be on the field competing for the team that paid him all those millions, that doesn’t mean he has to give that money back. Once they hand over the check, it is gone, baby, gone. Or in the words of NFL Players Association general counsel Richard Berthelsen, “It’s an enforcement of something that we felt we negotiated in the 2006 extension of the collective bargaining agreement.”

See this is why we need to have unions, to protect people who like to gamble on dog fighting and who torture and kill dogs that don’t win their fights from being abused by The Man. Thank goodness the NFLPA worked hard for that “sentenced to federal prison for dog fighting” exemption in the CBA.

In the pantheon of Super Bowl advertising, 2008 will go down as the year of phoning it in. GoDaddy had an ad for an ad that you have to watch on their Web site. Pepsi offered a tribute to a Chris Kattan movie from a decade ago. Coca Cola gave us some weird mushy shit involving Bill Frist and James Carville. This is the best you can do for $3 million a pop?

About the only ads that looked like Super Bowl ads were the FedEx carrier pigeon spot and and the talking stain ad for Tide. Budweiser, though, which normally pulls out all the stops for the football championship, really came up flat this year. Fire breathing? Flying? A Clydesdale in a Rocky tribute? (Not that even the best commercial would ever get me drink your Bud and Bud Light swill.)

The low-light of the evening, though, had to be Sales Genie (whatever the hell that is). Apparently they are trying to get their message across to knuckle draggers who find poorly done ethnic accents to be hilarious. You really can’t go wrong with animated panda bears speaking in broken “Engrish” now can you?

(Awesome Tecmo Bowl graphic stolen from Joystiq)

When it comes to predicting such a huge game such as the Super Bowl, I think there’s really only one way to predict with accuracy which team will win: turtles strapped to rockets. Luckily Conan O’Brien thinks the way I do and they held a turtle race on the show last night. Spoiler alert: the New York Giants turtle wins.