The main aromatic offender last night was Chicago quarterback Kyle Orton, aka The Neckbeard, who was 22 of 38 for 184 yards with an interception. Under his direction, the Bears offense produced a total of 209 yards and was one of 14 on third downs, resulting in nine punts. Hey Lovie Smith, are you sure Griese shouldn’t have been your number one QB?

Of course the Norsemen of Minnesota weren’t a whole lot better. Despite the pre-game hype about Adrian “All Day” Peterson and the emerging Tavaris Jackson, the Vikes trailed until a fourth quarter touchdown, turned the ball over four times, and sent the punt unit on the field seven times. “All Day” finished with 78 yards but it took all day to get there, while young QB Jackson tossed three picks.

So the Vikings are likely headed for a first round loss to Seattle in the playoffs, while the defending NFC Champion Bears are headed back into the scrap bin for a few years. In a word, it was painful, but at least all those numbskulls who were predicting some kind of shootout between “All Day” and the non-factor Devin Hester got what they deserved.

Mr. Neckbeard did start 15 games for Chicago in 2005 and inexplicably won 10 of those. (Can you say, “Satan?”) And when the choice is between Brian Greese and a ball-chucking nihilist, what the heck. I guess it can’t get any worse in the Windy City.

Kansas City 12, Cleveland 16
Quick thinking. Benny Sapp scooped up an incomplete pass from Charlie Frye to Jerome Harrison that was ruled a lateral and took it 56 yards for the Chiefs’ only touchdown.
What’s he thinking? Brady Quinn was holding the clipboard all night after holding out on the Browns for 12 days trying to get his contract done. Of course, Larry Johnson wasn’t even in a Chiefs uniform as he’s still holding out.

Green Bay 13, Pittsburgh 9
Brett who? Backup QB Aaron Rogers completed 18 of 27 for 168 yards and a touchdown after Green Bay’s first team offense gained all of 12 yards on 12 plays.
Oh that Brett. Favre completed just two of seven passes for seven yards. No interceptions, though.

Carolina 24, New York Giants 21
Funny names are good. Wide receiver Taye Biddle caught two touchdown passes for the Panthers, a 23-yard catch from David Carr late in the first half, and an 85-yard catch and run that shredded the Giants’ secondary early in the third quarter.
Funny names aren’t so good. Giants linebacker Mathias Kiwanuka got beat repeatedly by the Panthers’ rushing attack.

Chicago 20, Houston 19
Sexy. Rex Grossman *gasp* completed his first eight passes for the Bears to go 8 of 10 for 50 yards.
Not so sexy. New Texans QB Matt Schaub missed his chance to score a TD when he overthrew Kevin Walter in the end zone. He finished three of five for 25 yards against a Bears defense that was missing Brian Urlacher and Tommie Harris.

Washington 14, Tennessee 6
Heads up play. Rookie corner Byron Westbrook recovered a fumble in the end zone late in the game to give the Redskins the win.
Head somewhere else. QB Vince Young was benched by Titans head coach Jeff Fisher for violating a team rule.

Arizona 23, Oakland 27
A win is a win. After going 2-14 last year and loosing Art Shell as head coach, Raider Nation will take anything they can get.
A loss is nothing new. One of the Raiders’ wins last year was a 22-9 thrashing of the Cardinals.

Now you might be thinking to yourself, how can you return a kick 129 yards for a touchdown? But then you remember that this is Canadian football we’re talking about, where the field is 110 yards from goal line to goal line and the end zones are 20 yards deep. Oh those nutty Canucks.

You might remember a couple years ago Nate Vasher of the Bears set a record in the National Football League (aka the real football league) when he returned a missed FG 108 yards for a score. To refresh your memory, here’s some video:

According to game blog Joystiq, Chicago Bears kick return specialist Devion Hester actually lobbied the game developers to be the fastest player in the new edition of Madden due out this year. And his efforts were richly rewarded, as according to the post Hester will have a speed rating of 100, making him the first player in history to have a perfect score for any attribute in the game.

Now I’ll agree that Hester is fast — his six touchdowns set an NFL record — but to say he’s the fastest ever might be a stretch. And what are we to make of his lobbying efforts? Are Madden game designers taking kickbacks and other enticements under the table? There had better be a Senate inquiry into this matter for the sake of our children.

Before the Super Bowl (where the Bears were thumped soundly by the Colts) Wiese apparently signed a pledge in front of a bar full of people that if the Bears lost, he would change his name to match the Colts player who led Indy to victory.

“I had told the judge that I was not doing this because I wanted to change my name, but I was doing it because I was honoring a bet,” Wiese told the Decatur Herald & Review after Monday’s ruling. “I think she understood that.”

So need to feel sorry for poor Scott. It could have potentially been worse, though, if any of the following Colts had had a huge Super Bowl:

Devin Aromashodu

Albert Bimper

Tanard Davis

DeDe Dorsey

Ah, congratulations to the Baby Horses, for prevailing over a team with the equivalent of a high-school junior varsity starting quarterback. Not the most awesomest display of prowess, from either team, on either side of the ball, but at least we can put the whole Peyton Manning is a Big Fat Choker angle to rest now, and find something else equally pointless and ridiculous to chatter incessantly about.

Maybe it was my fault for dozing off, but it seemed like, yet again, there were a decided lack of those awesome Super Bowl commercials that we hear so much about, that millions of non-football fans tune in to see, because it is the Super Bowl and since ancient times it was deemed that the most awesomest commercials in the history of awesome commercials are aired then.

All I can remember of late, though, is everyone complaining afterwards that the commercials, in fact, suck big ones. Come to think of it, it seems like that’s been the case for many a year, causing me to wonder where exactly this notion of awesome commercials came from, if the reality is the sucking of big ones, year after year after year.

Mass hypnosis? A plot by the monkey robot overlords to lull us into a false sense of security right before they spring their dastardly trap? Hmm…

No offense to the NFL, but that’s just dumb, on all sorts of levels. None of the officials on the field deemed it excessive enough for a penalty when it happened, so how about you stick to counting all of the cash you rake in, week after week, because of the dynamic, exciting athletes like Reggie Bush that play your game and draw fans, like fat kids on cake?

I really shouldn’t complain, as we’re about to be facing that horrible, horrible time of the year when the Super Bowl is done and anything quasi-sports-related is unwatchable until March Madness, but do we really have to endure breathless story after breathless story about the state of Peyton Manning’s thumb?

Who cares if he won’t update you as to the exact status of his thumb at this very moment in space and time? It’s a thumb. It’s opposable. It rotates at the carpometacarpal joint and so can complete the sometimes quite delicate task of grasping objects by pressing them against the rest of the hand or finger(s).

It ain’t broke. He’ll play.