A) Make a crack involving banjo music, Deliverance, and rednecks.

B) Turn an imaginary steering wheel to the left, going “Vroom vroom!”

C) Instruct his staffers to get inoculations for hepatitis A, hepatitis B, diphtheria, tetanus, and influenza.

That’s right, C is the correct choice.

Having attending a NASCAR race before and also having spent a decent amount of time in Mississippi, I believe I’ll take my chances at the race, thank you very much. I mean, if you consume enough beer you’re pretty much immune to anything, right?

There is a little thing called the NCAA Final Four happening on Saturday. UCLA takes on defending champion Florida in a rematch of last year’s title game, while the biggest of the big men — Greg Oden and Roy Hibbert — are set to do battle in the paint in the Ohio State-Georgetown tilt. I know, your bracket was long-ago blown out, but these are going to be some fantastic matchups, so you better tune in.

For those of you hoping to see a fight or two, the NHL is heading into the final stretch before the playoffs. Calgary plays in Vancouver on Saturday looking to hold onto their slim grasp on the final postseason spot in the West, while Nashville battles Dallas in their bid to steal the Central division away from the Red Wings. On Sunday, NBC brings us some riveting action as Detroit takes on the Columbus Blue Jackets. (Sweet Sam Hill, even Versus would have passed on that matchup.)

The playoff picture is shaping up in the NBA as well. Who would have thunk that Toronto would be leading the way in the retched Atlantic division? What Svengali could have predicted the Wizards would have a chance to top the their division? Washington and the Raptors go head-to-head tonight at the Verizon Center. But you don’t care about the East, all you want to hear about is the stinking Suns and Mavericks. Well fine, the top two teams in the West square off on Sunday in Phoenix, with the Suns needing a win if they want to catch Dallas for the top seed. They might do it, too, with Dirk Nowitzki nursing a bone spur in his ankle.

What else? Well, baseball is still in preseason action, but who cares about baseball this early in the year? The MLS is gearing up to start their season soon (you’re a fan, you just don’t know it yet), and NASCAR has short-track action from Martinsville. Oh, and someone is probably playing golf somewhere this weekend (yawn).

No matter what sporting event trips your trigger, though, I’m sure the big plan for this weekend involves plenty of this:

Pretty nifty trick, no?

(Video via Lifehacker via tonari no shibfu)

Instead of cracking jokes about luges and triple Salchows, NASCAR fans can turn their attention to the first race of the season, the Daytona 500. And they’ll definitely have to pay attention, with all sorts of drivers like Kurt Busch, Sterling Marlin, and Bobby Labonte switching teams and driving in new, funny-lookin’ cars.

Huh.

I knew Kurt Busch was a sleazy guy, but I had no idea his breath would be rancid enough to send a breathalizer machine running for its mommy. They let him go with a reckless driving citation. At least that’s what they’re willing to tell the media. Even Kurt seems to imply that there may have been more to it. He calls it a “simple speeding ticket.” Reading between the unspoken lines, you know the situation was a least more tense than a normal speeding ticket.

Why else would Jack Roush release him from his contract earlier than normal? Why else would Jack Roush come up with some bullshit excuse about the standards mandated by his contract and the team’s contract with the sponsor?

If you guessed, “Because Kurt Busch is a slimy little asshole,” you are correct! When you’re down, your team is supposed to be there for you… not suspend and then fire you. Dude, we’re talking the reigning series champion. Fired before the end of the season. He has no car and no team.

Jack Roush is my hero for being able to explain in very direct, yet polite words what a hassle Kurt Busch has been to the team and how much they wanted him gone.

Let’s start from the beginning. There was an on-track squabble between good ole Kurt and Jimmy I’m A Big Fatass Spencer that boiled over to an off-the-track sucker punch. Kurt hadn’t even gotten out of his car yet when Jimmy reached in and walluped Kurt squarely upon the nose. Whether his nose actually broke or not depends on whose team you belong… or which media outlet.

At any rate, it seems pretty obvious that Kurt was the victim in this case. (Anyone within 20 feet of Jimmy Spencer is unfortunate.) Within days, though, our dear wussy Kurt managed to become one of the most hated NASCAR drivers today. If memory serves me correctly, he won the race the next weekend and got BOOED. Why!? Everyone hates Kurt. Kick ‘em while he’s down.

Scott Wimmer began the 2004 with a drunken driving arrest. Was he suspended? No. Was he fired? No. Was he even put on probation? I don’t think so. Kurt must be the biggest brat NASCAR has ever seen to beat that.

He’s Roger Penske’s problem now.

Next, someone will eventually have to discuss the irony of alcohol companies sponsoring NASCAR teams. Kurt’s current sponsor is Crown Royal. His sponsor next year: Miller Brewing Co.

If you happen to be rooting for Tony Stewart’s fat ass, the best line we’ve found is at VIPSports, where you can get every ounce of his fat ass at +350.