The main aromatic offender last night was Chicago quarterback Kyle Orton, aka The Neckbeard, who was 22 of 38 for 184 yards with an interception. Under his direction, the Bears offense produced a total of 209 yards and was one of 14 on third downs, resulting in nine punts. Hey Lovie Smith, are you sure Griese shouldn’t have been your number one QB?

Of course the Norsemen of Minnesota weren’t a whole lot better. Despite the pre-game hype about Adrian “All Day” Peterson and the emerging Tavaris Jackson, the Vikes trailed until a fourth quarter touchdown, turned the ball over four times, and sent the punt unit on the field seven times. “All Day” finished with 78 yards but it took all day to get there, while young QB Jackson tossed three picks.

So the Vikings are likely headed for a first round loss to Seattle in the playoffs, while the defending NFC Champion Bears are headed back into the scrap bin for a few years. In a word, it was painful, but at least all those numbskulls who were predicting some kind of shootout between “All Day” and the non-factor Devin Hester got what they deserved.

Trailing 24-20 and taking over at their own 27 with 3:30 left, the Patriots had driven down to the Baltimore 30 and were facing a fourth-and-1 situation when Tom Brady appeared to be stuffed by Baltimore’s Bart Scott for a loss on a keeper. But a split-second before the play went off, Billick had called timeout from the sideline, negating the loss.

Yes, overmatched Baltimore, all but left for dead by the national sports pundits, had a chance to win the biggest upset of the year only to be thwarted by their own head coach. After gaining the first down following the ill-advised timeout, the Pats of course marched down the field — helped by a questionable interference call in the end zone (with the troll-like Bob Kraft gazing down from his box) — and scored a touchdown for the lead and the win.

And afterwards, did Billick accept some blame for the call that basically killed Baltimore’s chances for victory?

“We called the timeout. If he had gotten the first (down), it would have been (reporters) screaming, ‘Why didn’t you call the timeout?’ Let’s make sure we don’t have a revisionist history,” said Ravens’ coach Brian Billick in a drastically curtailed post-game interview.

A TWO HANDED CATCH, SECURING THE FOOTBALL, NOW WE’RE PLAYING SOME NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE FOOTBALL!

THE OPEN-FIELD TACKLE, GETTING AFTER THE FOOTBALL, THAT’S HOW FOOTBALL IS PLAYED IN THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE!

FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL! FOOTBALL LEAGUE PLAYING FOOTBALL, NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE FOOTBALL. TONY, ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL YET?

Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre.

Jay Cutler?

Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Touchdown!

Tom Brady. Peyton Manning. Tom Brady. Peyton Manning. Tom Brady. Peyton Manning. Tom Brady. Peyton Manning. Brett Favre. Tom Brady. Peyton Manning.

Jay Cutler?

Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Brett Favre. Touchdown!

Why isn’t the commissioner of the More Taste League some smokin’ hot chick instead of that guy from Scrubs?

Why is Tony Kornheiser trying to convince me that Peyton Manning gets no respect? Has he not noticed the twenty-five gazillion commercials featuring the Colts quarterback?

Why Carrie Underwood? Why?

Why does Ron Jaworski think that Jacksonville can’t run the ball on every down? Why, I think the Jags just scored a touchdown after 10 consecutive running plays. Why doesn’t Jaws just shut the hell up?

Why does anyone let Mike Tirico anywhere near a broadcast booth?

Why the hell are we talking to Russell Crowe now? Do they really expect us to care about rugby? And what the hell is is a Rabbitoh?

Why God, why did I ever take the Jaguars to cover?

Why did it take so long for the “conversation” in the booth to devolve into Patriots vs. Colts, Brady vs. Manning? Did they really think the Jags might come roaring back early in the fourth quarter with Quinn Gray under center? And what if it had actually turned into a real game? We might never have heard that scintillating “debate.”

Why don’t I watch Monday Night Football with the sound on mute like Peyton Manning?

Instead, though, assistant legal aide in training Mike Tirico, without a doubt the worst play-by-play man in the universe, took the opportunity during last night’s Giants-Falcons tilt on Monday Night Football to try and unravel the whole sordid mess. While the game was in progress. Talking over the plays, pausing only a couple times to tell us the down and distance. Note to ESPN: We’re trying to watch a football game, not catch up on Court TV!

Of course that was the least egregious moment of night. Throw in a couple breathless rants on Eli Manning and the New York media from Tony Kornheiser (who’s voice rises to screaming eagle pitch by the end of the night) and whatever the hell Ron Jaworski is saying at any given moment and you had yet another unwatchable MNF game courtesy of the three-headed monster on ESPN.

They should have just let Jimmy Kimmel call the game by himself.

I have given this new MNF crew five weeks to prove themselves, and they have — they have proven themselves to be the worst on television today. Ron Jaworski is nearly as insufferable as Theismann ever was, Tony Kornheiser’s schtick is about as inspired as Tony Romo’s decision making was tonight, and Mike Tirico is without a doubt the worst play-by-play man ever in the history of televised sport. With this three-headed monster at the helm, the point becomes debatable whether it would be better to watch Two and a Half Men and catch the highlights of the game later.

I would just like to have some programming guru explain to me how this show is supposed to make watching a football game more enjoyable. Tonight was a classic example: Buffalo was in the midst of winning a huge upset over the Cowboys, but the three morons in the booth kept talking about Niagara Falls, Peace Bridge, and the financial stability of the Bills franchise. Who cares, there is an exciting game going on. And certainly we are all praying for Kevin Everett, and certainly his tragic story is worth hearing, but certainly there is a better time to tell it than when the teams are running plays on the field.

Please someone tell them all to just shut the hell up!

If this news is true, it could be the saving grace for prime-time football. The MNF franchise has had some problems on ESPN, but shedding the dead-weight that is, was, Theismann is a serious step in the right direction. I can’t tell you the number times during MNF — and Sunday Night Football before that — that my television has been in danger of colliding with the nearest boot, beer bottle, or cat.

Of course no one seems to be willing to go on the record about this news yet. The story was broke by Newsday, which quoted Theismann as saying he couldn’t comment “until I fully understand what has taken place.” Well Joe, let me help you understand: You suck and you finally lost your job because of it. You have been doing color for ESPN since 1988 (good Lord, has it really been that long?) and not once during that time have you said anything close to intelligent and we’re all as happy as Lawrence Taylor on a coke-and-hooker binge that you’re leaving.

But now of course this leaves the question of who will replace Theismann in the booth along with Mike Tirico and Tony Kornheiser. Some names SI.com tosses out include Emmitt Smith (nice guy, great player, good dancer, but in the booth?), Bill Parcells (sweet baby Jebus, no), and Ron Jaworski (just stab me in the eye). Now I would be in favor of MNF going back to a two-man booth but surely there’s a better NFL personality out there, someone who knows the hard knocks football can dish out.

I hear David Carr is looking for work.

Good night Canada!

Uh, maybe a pass was the wrong play to call there.