I’m rich, bitch!

GibbyZee — Fri, 10 Aug 2007 00:11:01 +0000

Matt Murphy is a very lucky young man. The New York Mets fan who just happened to be at AT&T Park the other night managed to emerge from under the scrum in the stands with Barry Bonds’ no. 756 in his hands. Now most people would immediately think about selling the historic ball or maybe giving it to Cooperstown, but Murphy says he may just hang onto the ball.

This brings up an interesting question: What do you do with such an important artifact? You wouldn’t want to just put it on the nightstand next to you bed or toss it in the closet. So here at oddsnark central we put our heads together and came up with a short list, things that Matt Murphy could do with Bonds’ home run ball.

Sacrifice the ball at the alter of Hank Aaron, the one true MLB home run king

Put the ball next a picture of Michael Strahan sacking Brett Favre in the Museum of Dubious Sport records

Journey to Mordor and toss the ball into Mount Doom to be destroyed

Grind it into a fine powder and snort it for “magic powers”

Put the ball in retirement until Alex Rodriguez breaks the record, then take it on tour as “The Ball Formerly Known as no. 756″

Build a shrine to Barry Bonds and put it next to mint condition, never-been-opened vials of The Clear and The Cream

Fire a photon torpedo down an exhaust shaft which will set off a chain reaction and destroy the ball

Encase the ball in a time capsule; at least the robot civilization 500 years in the future will appreciate the achievement of a genetically altered human

Send the ball back in time to warn a young Barry Bonds about the dangers of performance enhancing drugs, so the slugger would never have bulked up late in his career and would never have come close to breaking Hank Aaron’s record, meaning the ball would never have been hit out of the ballpark on Aug. 7, 2007 and would then never been sent back in time, thus collapsing the universe in an endless series of paradoxes

Donate it to the Hooters Waitress Hall of Fame

Barry Bonds is a Liar or Mark Sweeney is a Tweaker: You Make the Call

wizardofblog — Thu, 11 Jan 2007 21:45:26 +0000

Let’s play the pretend your Barry Bonds game. Put the syringe down, rest your gargantuan, swollen noggin’ against a reinforced support of some sort, and try to concentrate.

You fail a test for amphetamines and not only dodge a suspension because it’s your first offense, but the news never reaches the press, per MLB’s policy of not publicly identifiying players that fail the test the first time.

When informed that you failed the test, with all of the above in mind, what should your reaction be?

A) No reaction at all. No comment. Take your non-punishment like a man.

B) Blame it on a balm or suppository you took. Claim that the culprit was some inanimate object that cannot defend itself.

C) Immediately blame a teammate (in this case Mark Sweeney) and call them out by name, claiming you borrowed something from their locker, swallowed or injected it, and had no idea what it was, despite the fact that you’re under close scrutiny for ~~alleged~~ steroid use.

If you answered C, congratulations! You’re well on your way to being as classless, stupid, and selfish as Barry Bonds!

It’s especially impressive that you avoided B, which would be the choice of most normal athletes with at least a touch of class and twinge of comradery and allegiance to your teammates. You successfully remembered that you’re Barry Bonds, and that when faced with choices with equal consequences, you should always choose the one that’s the most selfish.

If you even briefly considered A, you really need to work harder at thinking like Barry Bonds. Accepting responsibility for anything should be as alien a concept to you as eating ice cream on the rings of Saturn while calliope music plays.

oddsnark » SF Giants

I’m rich, bitch!

Barry Bonds is a Liar or Mark Sweeney is a Tweaker: You Make the Call