Random Guy Doomed to Failure had this to say about his new position and outlook for the team: “The club has changed a lot since I was here in 2005. I am excited by the many talented, young players who have joined the club since 2005. With proper preparation and dedication, I believe we can restore a winning culture within our clubhouse.”

“That fellow we just hired is absolutely the best choice to lead our ballclub,” Pirates general manager Neal Huntington said. “His positive energy, intense passion for the game and strong managerial experience set him apart from every other potential candidate we considered.”

Good luck, Random Baseball Manager Guy. You’re going to need it.