Not really sure why Soul-Patchy was trying to make the unneccesary pass at the end that spelled his downfall, when he was in position to qualify for the finals, but there’s probably a reason he’s a world-famous Olympian and I had the sirloin special at Boston Market for dinner last night.

Grandma Luge is also out of the games, after injuring her wrist in a practice run. It looks like US downhiller Lindsey Kildow may be finished, too, after being taken off the mountain on a stretcher after a bad spill during her training run.

As far as the all-hallowed medal count, Norway is leading with 7 total, followed by Russia (5), the US (3), Germany (3), Italy (3), and the Netherlands (3).

This is, indeed, the same groin injury that prevented her from qualifying for the Olympics like all the other normal, mortal US women skaters. Kwan was granted a bye and given a free ride to the Olympics after she skated in front of a crack committee of US skating officials, who watched her skate and deemed her fit as a fiddle and ready to roll.

Or, you know, patted her on the head as soon as she arrived, signed her parent permission slip, and hightailed it to the nearest strip club for the $8.99 all you can eat peel and eat shrimp special.

Holy crap, Tonya Harding’s effin’ HUGE! Post that shit. Post it. Post it.

Well, I don’t know. There’s really nothing funny about being fat. You know, I wouldn’t have guessed that the devil would say “effing.”

Forget that. Pimp the fat girl. Bets were off when she posted a want ad for bat-wielding halfwits on the trailer park bulletin board.

I know, but damn, I haven’t even written about the Super Bowl…

No one made you watch the Lingerie Bowl, “sports fan,” now warn the people Tanya Kong’s off Skull Island and she’s pissed. Post it.

Well I’m not exactly in a position to be casting stones…

Christamighty, sign up for Jenny Craig and grow a pair, Tubby. Your ability to rest a lunch tray on your gut while standing doesn’t make fat ice skaters less funny.

Well that’s true, but so she’s fat, what’s there to say, really?

She weighs 300 lbs. and works on ICE.

It’s not nice.

She looks like she ate Nancy Kerrigan.

No, I’ll put up the picture, but no cheap jokes.

C’mon!

Nope. High road all the way.

If successful, she gets to go choke skate in the Olympics, trying one last time to win a gold medal. This is despite the fact that she missed almost the entire season with injuries and didn’t compete in the nationals, the sole purpose of which is to, umm, decide who gets to go skate at the Winter Olympics.

Call me crazy, but somehow I think she’s going to be declared fit as a fiddle. And, you know, maybe she should be, as she’s represented the US for 172 years, so why not give her one last shot to fall down and look sad in front of millions and millions of people?

Stant was convicted of assault in 1994 for whacking Olympic skater Nancy Kerrigan on the knee with a police baton in a creative attempt to secure rival Tonya Harding the U.S. figure skating title and a spot on the 1994 Winter Olympics team.

Stant attacked Kerrigan as she prepared to compete in the U.S. championships in Detroit. Kerrigan recovered from the injury and won the silver medal in the Olympics.

Stant, Harding’s ex-husband Jeff Gillooly and two other men went to prison, with Harding only serving probation.

This summer Stant’s lawyer filed court papers asking for his conviction to be set aside, claiming he had lived a law-abiding life since leaving prison and needed the assault conviction expunged from his record in order to achieve his dream of joining the Navy SEALs.

The judge, however, denied his request for the wacky reason that, in the jurisdiction in question, the law doesn’t allow for an assault conviction to be expunged.