Track and Field

“Honestly, We Just Sort of Make This Shit Up as We Go… I Mean, Who Cares, it’s Track and Field, for God’s Sakes’

Marion Jones’ recent admission to loving the ‘roids and other performance enhancing drugs has put the IOC in quite the bind as far as what to do with official results for past events she medaled in.

“IOC officials said Thursday they are considering the unprecedented step of leaving the gold-medal spot vacant following Marion Jones’ confession that she used performance-enhancing drugs.

“That could be a solution,” said IOC board member Denis Oswald, a member of the three-man disciplinary commission dealing with the Jones case.

Although the original second-place finisher normally would be upgraded to the gold, the International Olympic Committee is reluctant to give the medal to Greek sprinter Katerina Thanou because she was caught up in a doping scandal at the 2004 Athens Games.

“In a way, it’s logical and consistent that we should just move her up, but there is another feeling,” Oswald said in an interview during a break in the world anti-doping conference. “We’ll see how insistent she (Thanou) is. The best way would be not to do anything and just leave it as it is and there is no gold.”

IOC president Jacques Rogge told The Associated Press no final decision had been made but that “anything was possible,” including leaving the result blank.

Translation: Because there are so many damn cheaters, we’d rather simply no one win. But that’s tricky, because technically that cheater Thanou should get the gold, except we didn’t know she was a damn cheater at the time, and it was only later that she got in trouble for cheating. Hopefully she’ll be too embarrassed to pipe up and ask for the gold, so we can just give it to no one, and everyone will be happy.

But really, who knows. Were just sort of making this shit up as we go, so, you know, we’ll see what happens. I mean, hell, we might end up giving a gold medal or two to you, if it turns out that everyone else in the race was hepped up on goofballs.

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