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Colts vs. Patriots: Who Ya Got?

Well here it is, the weekend of The Big Game, The Most Important Game Ever That Will Ever Be Played. Of course I’m talking about the showdown between the unbeaten Indianapolis Colts and the more unbeaten New England Patriots. The debate has raged all week over which team will win with statistics and statistics on the statistics tossed around to predict the outcome.

But all of the endless talk is just going in circles. These are the two best teams in football playing at the very top of their form. Both coaches, Bill Belichick and Tony Dungy, are at the top of their profession. Each roster is complete with some of the finest athletes in the NFL, from Peyton Manning and Tom Brady down to the waterboys. (Oh don’t underestimate the value of a great waterboy; in a tight game they can be a difference maker.) We will see on the field come Sunday, unless you live in Houston or Oakland.

One thing is for sure, though, the post-game press conference of the victor will be very different depending on the winner of this game. If Manning and the Colts emerge victorious, I predict coach Dungy’s presser will go something like this:

“Well, they said it would be an exciting game and it sure was. The Patriots are a great team and they played a good game, but our guys fought hard and played all sixty minutes. I’m real proud of those players in the locker room, they deserve all the credit. Now we have to get ready for another tough game next week against San Diego.”

Now if on the other hand, the Patriots come out of this on top, I expect coach Belichick’s comments to be something like this:

“Well, they said it would be a tough game and they were right. The Colts are good team and they played well, BUT WHO’S NUMBER ONE NOW MUTHAFUCKAS! YEAH YOU CAN ALL EAT MY DINGLEBERRIES YOU DOUCHEBAGS, ‘CAUSE I’M THE BADDEST MOFO IN THIS LEAGUE. ROGER GOODELL CAN GO FUCK HIMSELF WITH HIS FINES AND SHIT ‘CAUSE NOTHING AIN’T STOPPING US NOW. JUST HAND OVER THE TROPHY YOU SACK OF SHIT CAUSE IT’S OURS! (flips off cameras) SUCK IT!”

I’m not a big fan of New England or anything, but I sure would like to see that last one on live national TV.

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