MLB • SF Giants • The Scofflaws

Barry Bonds is a Liar or Mark Sweeney is a Tweaker: You Make the Call

Let’s play the pretend your Barry Bonds game. Put the syringe down, rest your gargantuan, swollen noggin’ against a reinforced support of some sort, and try to concentrate.

You fail a test for amphetamines and not only dodge a suspension because it’s your first offense, but the news never reaches the press, per MLB’s policy of not publicly identifiying players that fail the test the first time.

When informed that you failed the test, with all of the above in mind, what should your reaction be?

A) No reaction at all. No comment. Take your non-punishment like a man.

B) Blame it on a balm or suppository you took. Claim that the culprit was some inanimate object that cannot defend itself.

C) Immediately blame a teammate (in this case Mark Sweeney) and call them out by name, claiming you borrowed something from their locker, swallowed or injected it, and had no idea what it was, despite the fact that you’re under close scrutiny for alleged steroid use.

If you answered C, congratulations! You’re well on your way to being as classless, stupid, and selfish as Barry Bonds!

It’s especially impressive that you avoided B, which would be the choice of most normal athletes with at least a touch of class and twinge of comradery and allegiance to your teammates. You successfully remembered that you’re Barry Bonds, and that when faced with choices with equal consequences, you should always choose the one that’s the most selfish.

If you even briefly considered A, you really need to work harder at thinking like Barry Bonds. Accepting responsibility for anything should be as alien a concept to you as eating ice cream on the rings of Saturn while calliope music plays.

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