MLB

Commish to Bucs: Break It Up!

With the Pittsburgh Pirates in the throes of a season-high five-game winning streak, Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig invoked his “for the good of the game” powers and demanded that the team dismantle its fearsome and formidable lineup prior to yesterday’s non-waiver trade deadline.

“We can’t have a team like the Pittsburgh Pirates out there winning baseball games on a daily basis,” Selig said, breathing laboriously. “If they keep it up, the Pirates could steal the spotlight from the New York and Boston teams and maybe even take one of the preordained playoff spots sometime in the next five to ten years. I had to step in for the good of the game.”

Because of the mandate, the Pirates’ David Littlefield was the busiest MLB general manager on Monday, trading his dignity, along with established players Sean Casey, Craig Wilson, Kip Wells, Oliver Perez, and Roberto Hernandez, for outfielder Xavier Nady, a minor league pitcher with a pulse, and cash to stage more stadium-filling fireworks nights and bobblehead giveaways at palatial PNC Park.

“While it is difficult to let such talent go, these moves certainly give us the financial flexibility to overpay washed-up major leaguers again this offseason and trade them at the deadline next season,” Littlefield said without a hint of sarcasm.

The Pirates’ majority owners, Kevin McClatchy and G. Odgen Nutting and his son Bob, though unavailable for comment, were last seen wallowing in a pile of money and lighting big cigars with $100 bills.

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