NFL

NFL Preview: San Francisco 49ers

(To get us all ready for a new season of football, oddsnark is previewing all 32 NFL teams with the help of some good friends and experts. Here to preview the San Francisco 49ers is the cast of Queen Eye for the Straight Guy.)

Jai: So who needs our help today, Ted?

Ted: Today we’re not helping just one troubled straight guy, but a whole football team.

Thom: A football team? Wait a minute, do we know for sure that they’re all straight?

Ted: Well, they are the San Francisco 49ers.

Carson: San Francisco? Yeah!

Jai: Wait a minute, isn’t this just a little obvious? Five gay guys talking about a football team from San Francisco?

Kyan: I think it’s more of a statement about the team.

Carson: So how can we help these 49ers anyway?

Ted: Well, this team isn’t very good. In fact, they had the worst record in the NFL two years ago, and last year they finished 4-12.

Carson: 4′12″. That’s kind of short for a football team, isn’t it?

Jai: It says here they used to be really good. They won four Super Bowl trophies in the 1980s.

Thom: I think I won four Super Fab trophies in the 1980s.

Carson: The 80s were a super fab time. The music, the fashion . . .

Kyan: Ronald Reagan, George Bush . . .

Thom: So how did they go from chic to bleak, Ted?

Ted: Well, they got themselves into serious salary cap trouble by bringing in too many high-priced free agents and couldn’t afford to replenish their talent pool.

Jai: Huh?

Ted: Plus, they play in an aging stadium the was build for baseball with limited space for luxury suites.

Thom: What are you talking about?

Ted: So it’s up to us to turn these Red and Gold losers into sparkling winners.

Jai: I still say this is way too obvious.

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