NFL

NFL Preview: Baltimore Ravens

(To get us all ready for a new season of football, oddsnark is previewing all 32 NFL teams with the help of some good friends and experts. Here to preview the Baltimore Ravens is filmmaker John Waters.)

I’ve seen Baltimorons go gaga over a lot of tacky things in my time: The Block, seafood sticks, beehive hairdos, Jim Palmer in his tightie-whities. But the whole city, from teenaged bad boys and Joe Sixpacks (Natty Boh, of course) to over-the-hill debutantes and depraved housewives get worked into an absolute lather over the Baltimore Foot Stompers, er, Ravens.

My hometown is the perfect locale for the tackiest team in America. The Ravens have those godawful uniforms — purple from head to toe. Divine is about the only person I can think of who could pull that off. And their insufferable, Italian-loafer-wearing coach, Brian Billick, could give Babs Johnson a run for her money as the filthiest person alive. Coach Billick has never eaten dog scat as far as I know, but you never can tell.

I don’t understand why all these sports people are falling over themselves to predict that the Ravens will be a playoff team just because they got someone who went out of style years ago to be their quarterback. That’s about as hilarious as Edith Massey wearing a baby bonnet in a playpen and crying out for the Egg Man. Let’s just say that it’s a good thing that Ravens games aren’t filmed in Odorama.

Related Posts

• No Related Post