Soccer

Il Azzurri Stupefacente

Italy bested France in a 5-3 shootout after a 1-1 draw to win the FIFA World Cup yesterday, and so ends another chapter of soccer mania in the USA. We’re looking forward to seeing all you “football” fans four years from now. Actually, it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise that the Italians were victorious, since in almost every endeavor Italy is better than France. Italy gave rise to the Roman Empire, while France churned out a bad sequel in Charlemagne. Italy gave the world some of the finest cuisine, while in France they forgot everything they learned about cooking from the Italians after the death of Catherine de’ Medici. From Italy came such great minds as Leonardo Da Vinci; France is known for Inspector Clouseau. Italy gave birth to Michalangelo, while France produced Marcel Marceau. Italy=Ferrari, France=Peugeot. Gina Lollobrigida from Italy was a total hottie, Gérard Depardieu from France is not. France did lend its name to a great film, The French Connection, but it could have just as easily been called The Spanish Connection or The German Connection and still would have been great as long as it starred Gene Hackman as Popeye Doyle. Italy, meanwhile, gave us the Mafia, which inspired The Godfather, The Sopranos, and Growing Up Gotti. So you see, Italy beats France every time.

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