Soccer

Arrivederci, USA

The United States likes to think it’s the cock of the walk. But, despite its lofty #5 ranking going into the World Cup, the team has cemented its status among the Serbia and Montenegros of the world in soccer’s pecking order.

The Americans’ 1-1 tie with Italy today proved to be a rowdy match of attrition featuring dozens of fouls, bodies hauled off the field on stretchers, three ejections, at least one bloodied face, and a referee from Uruguay who doled out yellow cards with the zeal of a small-town meter maid. If you missed it to watch a middle round of the US Open or, god forbid, interleague baseball on TV, you should probably reevaluate your priorities.

However, like other World Cup wannabes Trinidad & Tobago and Angola, who celebrated ties against more powerful opponents this week, the US has to consider a draw against the Azzurri to be equivalent to a victory at this point. Especially when they have to rely on the kindness of strangers to get on the scoreboard.

There are a couple of different scenarios in which the US can advance, but they are improbable (their next match against Ghana doesn’t seem easy anymore), and even if they do, Brazil is waiting to eviscerate them in the elimination round.

As it stands, the US must be content with kissing its sister, which is undoubtedly less satisfying than, say, kissing Italy’s sister. Something crazy like scoring a goal might be helpful, too.

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