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Boxing

What’s Next for the Beast From the East?

By Josh ⋅ December 18, 2005 ⋅ Post a comment

Nicolay “The Beast From The East” Valuev managed to score a controversial majority decision over John “The Quiet Man” Ruiz on Saturday. The win gives Valuev, also known as “The Big Russian,” the WBC heavyweight championship belt.

Ruiz has already called for a rematch. Unfortunately for Ruiz, his manager is Don King, and I doubt we can count on Don to help Ruiz get his title back any more than we can count on him to stage a heavyweight tournament anytime soon.

So the question becomes, who will face the 7′ 330 lb. Beast From The East next? Let’s handicap the field:

1. Bam Bam Bigelow, professional wrestler
Size: 6′3″, 325 lbs.
Home town: Asbury Park, NJ
Advantage: Signature move called “Greetings from Asbury Park”
Disadvantage: Much shorter, much fatter
Intangibles: Was nicknamed The Beast From The East before Valuev

2. Komatsu Mining Truck, professional mining truck
Size: Big enough to carry 320 tons
Home town: Tokyo, Japan
Advantage: Size
Disadvantage: Turning radius
Intangibles: Can climb at altitudes up to 12,000 ft. without fuel deration

3. Seleeva Fuali Atisanoe, aka Konishiki, professional sumo wrestler, retired
Size: 590 lbs.
Home town: Oahu, Hawaii
Advantage: Girth
Disadvantage: Retired, and pretty happy about not having to watch his weight
Intangibles: Big boy sings!

4. Bear, professional bear
Size: Bear-size
Home town: The woods
Advantage: Aggressive fighting style
Disadvantage: Most bears are smaller than Valuev
Intangibles: If Valuev were to come in the ring smelling like sturgeon…

5. Ivan Drago, professional boxer
Size: Bigger than Rocky
Home town: Moscow, Russia
Advantage: Not intimidated by the whole “giant Russian” thing
Disadvantage: Is a fictional character
Intangibles: Brigitte Nielsen in his corner