MLB • The Traded

Rangers Trade Soriano to Washington, Begin Search for Good, Cheap Used JUGS Machine

All-Star second baseman Alfonso Soriano was traded by the Texas Rangers to the Washington Nationals on Wednesday night for Brad Wilkerson, Termel Sludge, and minor league pitcher Armando Galarraga.

Doesn’t seem like they got a ton for Soriano, but the more conspicuous detail is that they didn’t get a high-profile dude, you know, the one that throws the ball to the batter, umm… Pitcher, yeah, that’s it.

The word on the street is that Kenny Rogers is also poised to flee the team (and those dang pesky Dallas-area reporters) for Detroit.

New whiz kid GM Jon Daniels isn’t worried, though, about that whole lack of pitching thing that’s plagued the team in recent years. In a recent interview with oddsnark he had the following to say:

“Yeah, so what. Pitching is pretty overrated, to tell you the truth. I mean, look at that whole Clemens debacle.

That said, we’re exploring our options. I mean, it’d be great if we could just hit, and not take the field, but I don’t think Bud will let us do that.

So, you know, we’ve got feelers out there. We’re looking around. We’ve got a pretty solid line on an old JUGS machine that SMU isn’t using anymore, which we may roll out there.

Heck, I’ve been working on a sinker, plus Charlie Hough’s widow gave us permission to reanimate his corpse and man, does he have a wicked knuckler. I mean, dude, it’s just totally wicked.”

(Whiz kid GM Jon Daniels was not, in fact, interviewed for this somewhat fictitious article.)

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