Golf • The Bad

Jean Van de Velde Confirms Theory that French People Suck

Noted golfer choker Jean Van de Velde has got his panties in a wad because he can’t play in the British Women’s Open. The Frenchman is upset with a recent policy change by the Royal and Ancient Golf Club to allow women to potentially qualify for next year’s British Open.

Working under the assumption that turnabout is fair play, Van de Velde believes he should be allowed to attempt to qualify for the women’s British Open, despite the fact that their policy clearly only allows women to play. Van de Velde is best known for taking a 3 shot lead into the final hole of the 1999 British Open and somehow finding a way to eventually lose in a playoff.

“If we accept that women can enter our tournaments, then it applies that men can play with women,” Van de Velde said. “I just don’t understand it, and if my application is not accepted I will definitely get advice and see how far it will go,” he said.

Here’s why you can’t play, Jean. We’ll make it simple, so hopefully you can understand it. Despite your girly name and effete whining, you are not a woman.

Get that?

Not. A. Woman.

Whining about not being able to play in a women’s only event is like whining about the Boy Scouts practicing age discrimination by not allowing you to join Troop 4 in Brillion, Wisconsin. Or that the Clemson Tigers are unfairly preventing you from playing quarterback there by requiring that you attend school and know how to play football.

Although I think the funniest thing in the world would be for them to either let you in and watch you choke or for Bodog or Nine.com to sponsor a match between you and Michelle Wie. Because we all know you’d just get man-handled and just end up in a dingy bar somewhere, crying into your Cabernet Sauvignon.

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